Why Is It So Hard for Us to Let Go of a Grudge?

To be honest, the desire for revenge is one of the oldest and strongest reactions in the human brain. It is almost a reflex. Someone humiliated us, someone hurt us — and an image of “retribution” immediately rises inside. Sometimes even a pleasant one. It seems: if I pay them back in kind, the pain will go away.

But the Torah says otherwise:
“Do not take revenge, do not bear a grudge in your heart… and love your neighbor as yourself.”

This sounds almost unrealistic. How can you not be angry if you were truly wronged? How can you not want revenge if you were humiliated or your plans were ruined?

The answer is that liberation does not begin with doing something to the other person. It begins with changing something in yourself.

Why doesn’t revenge heal?
Rabbi Moshe Chaim Luzzatto (the Ramchal) wrote in the book Mesillat Yesharim:

“It is hard for a person to give up plans of revenge, because the pain in the heart does not subside. It seems that revenge will soothe it. But if one manages to overcome oneself, the pain will go away by itself.”

This is a very precise observation. As long as you keep replaying in your head, “I’ll show them! I’ll prove it!”, you only prolong your suffering. Revenge is not a cure but a fixation on the wound.

If you stop feeding it with attention, the wound will begin to heal on its own. Not right away, but it will begin.

What helps us not get stuck in anger?
The Torah offers a very practical view: everything that happens to us is not chaos. It is part of a larger process in which there is meaning. Sometimes events are an echo of our past deeds. Sometimes they are an opportunity to learn something.

If you begin to see events not as a random coincidence of circumstances but as part of a deeper story, it becomes easier to let go of the desire for revenge.

And besides, look at what happens when many people around you choose not to hold grudges.
The world really changes.
There is less tension in it and more trust.

And what if the hurt bursts out after all?
There is an important clarification.
If you answer the offender at the very moment of the conflict, while emotions are fresh, that is not called “revenge.”
It is simply a human reaction.
The Torah understands that it is hard for a person to stay silent when they have just been insulted.

But if time has passed and you have cooled down — and then you come back to take revenge — that is already a conscious choice.
It is precisely this that Scripture invites us to work on.

Why is forgiveness strength?
To illustrate what true inner freedom is, there is a story.

One student said such things about his friend that the friend’s engagement was broken off. Later that student never married; he was drafted into the army and went through severe hardships.

Years later he sent a letter asking for forgiveness. And when the teacher asked the one who had been wronged whether he was ready to forgive, he answered at once:
“I forgive him completely.”

The teacher asked again:
“Are you sure you bear him no ill will?”

He repeated without hesitation:
“In my heart there is not a drop of resentment, nor anger, nor any desire for revenge.”

That is strength.
Not weakness, not naivety, but strength.
The ability to free yourself from the chains of malice and resentment.