Loving Your Neighbor When You Dislike Them

The Torah says: “Love your neighbor as yourself” (Leviticus 19:18). But how can someone be commanded to love? Feelings do not arise on command. If we already love someone, the commandment seems unnecessary. And if we dislike them, can we really force ourselves to feel differently?

What matters here is understanding that the Torah addresses not only our feelings, but also how we respond to them. We cannot always choose what we feel at a particular moment, but we can choose whether to nurture that feeling and what it will become. Hurt can remain hurt, or it can gradually grow into hatred. Sometimes a person sustains their resentment for years, recalling someone else’s actions again and again, until their own attitude becomes more important to them than what actually happened. Not every feeling arises by our choice, but not every feeling should become the will that guides us.

The commandment to love your neighbor does not require you to pretend there is closeness where there is none, to embrace someone who causes you pain, or to allow others to violate your boundaries. It asks us not to turn our dislike into a justification for injustice. We may feel no warmth toward someone and still refrain from humiliating them, speaking maliciously about them, wishing them harm, or refusing to help them simply because of a personal grievance. Sometimes, in fact, an action taken despite our dislike marks the beginning of a change in our inner attitude.

Jewish tradition offers an important insight: feelings do not only shape actions; actions also gradually cultivate feelings. A person does not always begin with a sincere desire to do good. Sometimes they begin with a decision to do what is right, even when the corresponding feeling is not yet there. Gradually, what initially required effort can become part of their character. This is not hypocrisy if the person is not pretending to love, but is consciously learning to treat another person with dignity.

Perhaps this is why the Torah does not simply call on us to feel love, but teaches us to live in a way that makes love possible. Loving your neighbor does not mean having an obligation to feel the same way about everyone. It means recognizing that another person’s dignity does not disappear simply because we find them unpleasant.

And true spiritual work begins not when loving comes easily, but when we have reasons for dislike and still choose not to become cruel.